I have a lot of questions about Tucker Carlson

by Brendan Ulmer / Staff Writer

“I lie, if I’m really cornered or something, I lie,” said the biggest newsman in the world, Tucker Carlson, while having a meeting of the minds with intellectual powerhouse Dave Rubin. He added “I try not to, I try never to lie on TV, I don’t like lying, I certainly do it.” 

Despite being a journalistic demigod, Dave Rubin forgot to ask him what sort of things he lies about. He must’ve been preoccupied thinking about how much he loves freedom. Totally understandable. Dave Rubin is like George Orwell to the Abraham Lincoln^th  power. Anyways this leaves the issue to be explored by true independent journalists, like me. Thank you Dave Rubin.

I went through some of Carlson’s old claims to see where he may have stretched the truth. Mostly just the hits; Biden is controlled by Marxists; immigrants are trying to take the country from us; I, Tucker Carlson, like fishing; but they all checked out.

Though when I was rewatching these clips, I noticed something a little strange, he never shows his legs. 

Now, on the surface, this may not seem that strange. The face shots have been the standard in cable news for quite some time now, but has it been? I mean, Fox News is kind of known for their leg shots, and Fox News only hires hotties, so it stands to reason that Tucker Carlson should have some pretty thunderous thighs that we would all mutually ogle. Like we did when Glenn Beck was on Fox.

The mystery of Tucker Carlson’s legs doesn’t just come from Fox,  even in that video where he’s confronted at a Cabelas, notice that the camera never pans down to his bottom half.

This raises a lot of questions.

Why don’t they show us the pleated pair of slacks that we’ve all been dying to see? Well, I would like to posit the possibility that he’s wearing two pairs of pants. Why? Because the bottom half of his body is that of a horse. 

Think about it, it almost makes too much sense. He, in his natural state, is way too red all the time to have a circulatory system that merely meets the needs of humans. It has to be because of his horse veins. 

He also has had the opportunity throughout his life to be around a lot of equestrians since he is the heir to the Swanson’s TV Dinner Fortune. It stands to reason that he may have caught it from them. 

I know what you libs are probably thinking, “but I saw his legs all the time on CNN’s Crossfire, what are you even talking about, is this guy being serious?” Which is just the epitome of feigning ignorance to dismiss the truth. Everyone knows that it takes the centaur virus 15 years to incubate in the body before it emerges, and if you didn’t know that you have no business sharing your opinion.

This part is just for Carlson, so stop reading if your brother’s name is Buckley Swanson Peck Carlson.

Tucker, last night I had a dream that I climbed onto your back and you gallantly trotted us to Texas together to make a new life for ourselves. I know what you’ve been lying about, I hope this doesn’t make you feel cornered because I just want you to be you – from your shaggy mane all the way down to your hooves.

Brendan Ulmer is an Olathe freshman studying sociology. He is a staff writer.

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