By Brendan Ulmer / Staff Writer

We did it! We fixed Afghanistan! I ask you now to put this article down for a moment and give your government a round of applause.

Keep going,

Not yet,

I mean, it’s a whole country we saved, surely you can be more excited!

Now that’s what I’m talking about!


OK now calm down weirdo, you’re embarrassing yourself.

I feel your excitement on it though. I really do. I mean we really did it. This is a big deal. No one told us it was still going on even after President George W. Bush saved them in 2003. Apparently, we’ve just been on an 18-year victory lap, presumably leading flash mobs with civilians and servicemen to Earth Wind and Fire songs in the streets of Kandahar and handing out puppies door to door.

Now, just this year we’ve fixed them even harder, and for the last time. I hate goodbyes. Think of all the memories we’ve made over the last 40 years. Remember when we gave the Mujahideen training and weapons to drive out the socialists, and they did? That was so cool! Not to mention so much fun. Do you remember when the Mujahideen split into sects including Al-Qaeda and the Taliban, and then they used the very weapons and training we gave them against us? What a twist! We did NOT see that coming. Man, looking back, we’ve saved them so many times, I bet they thank their lucky stars for us every day.

By the time the Afghan war was over it was old enough to be fighting in the Afghan war.

While our time with them is now over, do not despair, they are in good hands. I know, the Taliban has cheated on us before, but they are different now. You don’t know them like our government does. They’ve changed. These days, they are less into subjugating women and destroying monuments and more into collecting old cars. Mostly 2013 black, white and gray Toyota Tundras with a turret mount in the back – you know how gearheads are, always looking to customize.

Do you guys remember what Afghanistan was like before we saved it? I sure don’t! I wasn’t alive then. Before you get too sad don’t forget, this isn’t goodbye, it’s see you later.

Over 71,000 Afghani citizens have died as a result of this war, and this is likely a conservative estimate. Do you know how to make a terrorist? I certainly don’t, but having someone’s family die horribly and needlessly is probably a good place to start if that’s what you’re shooting for.

Will we ever get back together with Afghanistan? Well in the words of the late great Donald Rumsfeld “There are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns—the ones we don’t know we don’t know.”. Tragically passed before his highly anticipated mixtape “War Crimalz” could be released. Oh, and we’re still leaving our drones there, just so that they have something to remember us by. I know what they say, if you love a country, you’ll let it go, it just hurts so much.

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