Breaking up is hard to do, especially with a dweeb

By Hannah Wallace

Dear Hannah, Why do some students here at HCC have the mentality of a rock?

Dear intellectual,

Some students here may appear to have the mentality of a rock because they do not apply themselves and are only going to college to have a good time and not to gain any sort of educational knowledge.

I use these students to motivate me to do my best, even though I already know I am the best. But humbling myself tends to keep me on the same page as the peasants I surround myself with.

Dear Hannah, Do you like Halloween?

Dear festive,

At times, I feel as if Halloween in some sense sends out the wrong message to kids. Many parents teach their children to avoid strangers. Then once a year they promote the idea that walking up to a stranger’s door and asking for candy is safe.

Some parents do “safe checks” of their children’s candy, which in reality just means they are going to eat it and pray they don’t get roofied or swallow a razor blade in the process.

This event allows for people to cheat on their diets. While Halloween is a holiday, it doesn’t mean it’s OK for you to sit down and stuff your face with candy corn that is basically flavored wax.

Get a grip and go see Jenny Craig. But if I had to say if I liked Halloween or not, I’d say yes because that means we are that much closer to Christmas.

Dear Hannah, How do I break up with my boyfriend?

Dear Almost Single,

It is always wise to do this in person — not over the phone — unless the guy repulses you to the point you throw up in your mouth a little bit every time he talks to you.

Then it’s OK to do it over the phone. But if you break up with him in person, just remember that if you do it in public, to drive yourself or have a ride back home, just in case he decides to leave you there.

If you do it during a dinner date, don’t break up with him until he has paid the check. This will ensure your financial stability.

After breaking up with him, I recommend a haircut and a night out on the town with your friends.

A pub crawl never solves your problems, but it might make you feel a lot better than you did before — or it can send you on a downward spiral into depression that you will never be able to climb out of.

This could then lead you to become a lonely, crazy cat woman who spends her time watching Jerry Springer reruns, eating TV dinners and making paper dolls, because you have no life. Good luck.

Dear Hannah, Why is life so hard?

Dear Survivor,

Life is hard because nothing good in life comes easy, unless you are born into wealth or win the lottery. Some of life’s hardest battles have the sweetest rewards, that is, unless everything fails and then falls apart.

That means you’re just worse off than when you started.

As you grow older and start being an adult, you soon learn that life never gets easier, but instead, gets more expensive.

But in the end, we all end up in one of two places so it really doesn’t matter. But for the time you are granted here on earth, you can try to have some fun and strive to be as good as me.

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