Hannah rips hoverboards, cherishes Thanksgiving

By Hannah Wallace

Dear Hannah, What do you think about the hoverboards that some students are riding around campus?

Dear fan, I think that these so called hoverboards are the dumbest things that I have ever seen.

These boards really bring laziness to a whole new level. It’s like the movie “Wall-E” in real life. I’m not going to lie though, I do thoroughly enjoy sitting outside of the student union around supper time and watching the people that do have these hoverboards wipe out in the parking lot on their way to the cafeteria.

In a sick, twisted way it gives me great pleasure to see them in pain. It makes me feel better about my own life.

Dear Hannah, Why didn’t you have a column in the last paper?

Dear concerned fan, I didn’t have a column in the last paper because I did not make the deadline. I half-assed my column and slacked on the job, so I had to pay the price.

Don’t worry, though, I still wake up every morning and pee excellence and I’m still better than the rest of the world. Believe it.

Dear Hannah, What are your thoughts on the Starbucks Christmas cup issue?

Dear curious, I think that some people in today’s society go out of their way to look for ways to feel offended.

I don’t understand what the big deal is. I’m Catholic and I don’t mind the red, plain cup. I think that you have your religious extremists blowing things way out of proportion and they are in need of a serious reality check.

A plain, red cup is not a war on Christmas. Instead of wasting energy on this made-up war, Christians need to focus on the teachings of Christ.

For instance, helping the hungry, homeless, and poverty-stricken are all issues they could be addressing.

But instead, these people are worried about a cardboard cup.

Dear Hannah, What is your favorite thing about Thanksgiving?

Dear nosey, my favorite thing about Thanksgiving is the fact that I get to hang out with my family. I also love all the food that I get to enjoy.

Thanksgiving is a joyous time of year when dysfunctional families get together under one roof and battle out family and life issues.

Like when they fight over who is the father of a child that showed up.

For me, it’s the time of year where as a family we all come together and enjoy each other’s company and bask in the fact that one of our family members is better than everyone else.

That person’s name is Hannah Wallace, and they are lucky enough to have me in their family.

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