Call me Kai: A personal story of growing up queer

Making the choice to publish under my name and publicly use neutral pronouns this year was terrifying. I almost cried tears of joy seeing my name in the paper for the first time. For the first time in my life, the achievements I make will be under my name.

Even knowing how happy I would be, I hesitated. I was raised Christian, and my family still lives and attends church here.

I didn’t grow up hearing about gay people. As far as I knew, we didn’t exist.

I was having a different experience from my peers and I didn’t know why. I didn’t have the words to describe how I felt. Not having the words to describe your experiences is so isolating. Because if there are, to your knowledge, no descriptions of your experience, surely you must be the only one.

Being unable to really connect with your peers because of it. And you certainly can’t talk to an adult because first, you don’t have the words, and second, what you’re experiencing and feeling doesn’t fit with what they’ve taught you is acceptable.

I felt so alone. I spent roughly 13 years of my life feeling alone and like there was something wrong with me.

I found out gay people existed in eighth grade. I was 13, and there was a gay character in the book I was reading. For the first time in my life, I knew there was an option beyond straight.

By the end of my freshman year, I knew I was asexual. I started questioning my gender the next year.

But knowing isn’t the same as accepting.

I spent my sophomore year incredibly depressed. To me, it seemed like conversation centered on the LGBTQ+ community was picking up, and all I was hearing from the type of people I’d grown up around was that it wasn’t acceptable and I was going to hell. My life seemed to be completely at odds with the beliefs I’d grown up with. The life I thought was laid out in front of me was more prison than plan.

Even when I started going to therapy, I didn’t feel like I could tell my therapist because this is the fucking bible belt and they were Christian. Every important adult in my life was Christain, and while I thought I was safe, I didn’t know.

I will forever be thankful for the friends who supported me. Honestly, they’re the reason I’m still here. With them, I knew I was safe, accepted, and loved, that who I am wouldn’t be a problem. They gave me the space and support to learn who I am.

It’s difficult, and there’s a lot to learn and unpack that I’m still working on. It’s difficult to put all this into words.

But I’m still here.

It’s not all bad. Sure, there’s people that want us gone for some godforsaken reason. But I get to build a family for myself. I got to attend Pride for the first time, which was amazing. I get to work with people who respect and accept me. I get to work toward a better future.

I get to live.

Kai Spahr is a Buhler sophomore studying journalism and the Opinion Page Editor.

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